Authenticity {Busyness}

 6 “Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
without knowing whose it will finally be.

Psalm 39:6

As I read The Very Busy Spider a few nights ago as the boys fell asleep, I couldn’t help but think about this post I had stirring in my head for a while. It started with notes on my phone, then an e-mail to Russ asking what he thought, then a preview for my mom, and even another e-mail to my BFF because I wanted it to come across the right way. I’m still even nervous that I actually hit publish.

First, let me start with an apology.

I’m so sorry I haven’t been myself! I have a lot of excuses and you don’t really care about those but I do have to confess.

I was under the impression that busyness equaled importance in MY life. As in the more things I had to do, the more important I must be because SO many people “needed” me and I had “so” much to do. (This, again, is all about me. I’m not implying anyone else has these crazy thoughts. I have a problem, as you can see…a deep people-pleasing issue that I pray desperately about each day.)

One of the reasons I resigned from teaching is because I was absolutely sick and tired of being busy. I hated having 45 minutes to get anything done before it was time to pick up my children without having to run my children all over the planet AFTER I picked them up because at some point during the day I forgot to do something because I was so busy during school!

Can I be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a photographer, a blogger? Yes, of course. I just won’t be really good at any of them.

Furthermore, do I want to? No.

I was missing my daily pursuit of The Lord because goodness knows I couldn’t find time to do this (which by the way is the WORST example I could set for my children!).

I’m just NOT wired this way. I’m not wired to be a busy person and although I tried for ten years, it’s not working.

And I know EXACTLY where it stems from (as embarrassed as I am to admit this). In college, a friend said to me at lunch one day, “Brittany is the busiest person I know.” And in my mind, I immediately needed a full calendar because whoever Brittany was must be really important if she was that busy all the time.

How STUPID of me!

My point here is too many of us are running around like chickens with our heads cut off because we are scared of cutting something out. Even worse, we are scared of missing something (have you heard of FOMO? The Fear of Missing Out?). We are all guilty of this and it has to stop.

I’ve just felt lately like I am in a rut and can’t find the time to post because of photography or this or that or whatever I want to post about has already been done or someone else’s pictures are way prettier than mine and did I mention June was basketball month? Craziness. But then I can’t even post pictures to IG because heaven forbid I post a picture of my kids or something not home decor because I immediately lose seven followers. I even lost a blog follower after my Ryobi and Wayfair posts. Somewhere along the way these last few months, I lost my voice. I lost who I was as I tried to wrap up school, survive morning sickness, and be there as a wife, mother, and friend. And I pretty much failed at all of them.

I put off posting because I couldn’t find the time but honestly, it’s what I missed the most. I didn’t start this blog as a writer. I started it to post foreclosure progress and somewhere along the way, I realized I loved writing. I realized I had a story I wanted to tell and that many of you are like me. Or that many of you are so different from me and I love learning from you.

It just seems I can’t win but honestly, I’m not trying to. And I’m tired of trying to be everything to everyone. And failing miserably.

Because the prize I’m striving for has already been won for me. Nothing I do on this Earth allows me to earn it and I SURE as heck don’t deserve it. (Insert my FAVORITE Jen Hatmaker quote…”I won’t defile my blessings by pretending I deserve them.”)

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.”

I John 2:15-17

I am just reevaluating. I am browsing Pinterest for nurseries instead of worrying about how many Pinterest followers I have and did I pin the right things at the right time today so something would go viral?

I am also dying to paint our playhouse and so thankful for Wayfair and Ryobi for believing in me enough to let me talk about their products and help support this little blog.

Mainly, I am just sick of being crazy busy so I don’t even have time to enjoy summer nights with our friends or each other.

So this summer will be different. We will be a family and if it’s at the cost of this blog, so be it.

But it’s my family and our Saviour I have to answer to one day. Not how many IG followers or Facebook likes I get.

So back to The Very Busy Spider. All of her friends came by to say hey and she couldn’t speak. She was very busy spinning her beautiful web. And at the end, the owl compliments her BUT she’s too tired to even hear the compliment because she is exhausted and had fallen asleep.

I cannot help but think of this metaphor. She worked so hard. She was so diligent and it was worth it. And she had to get it done because in the end, the web saved them all from the pesky little fly.

But how often is what we are doing just to end with up with a beautiful web that we end up losing sight of the process that we miss the fellowship together while working?

Thanks for being here, friends. You have no idea how much your presence means to me!